The Expert Next Door

Is it possible to be an expert at being bad at something? Let me explain. I think I’m an expert at being a poor neighbor. Now I don’t pick fights or play evil tricks on my neighbors, but I’m pretty good at not doing anything that would foster a meaningful, fulfilling friendship with those that live close to me. Experts are usually experts because they are better or more knowledgeable about something than others. They can recognize when something isn’t true about their particular area of expertise. That’s what makes me an expert at poor-neighborliness. I know a good neighbor when I see one.

Take Karla across the street, for example. She knows by name the people that walk by her house on any given evening, and they like her so much that they will stop their planned exercise to talk with her. She asks about their kids and has noticed if they’ve been out of town. She even called me once to let me know that someone down the street was getting rid of a water-play table and wondered if I might want one for my kids. Who does that? Not me!

I see groups of people standing out in their driveways at the end of the day just chatting while their kids play together on the lawn. I see young moms walking the streets pushing their babies in cute little strollers, chatting away about the day or the family or whatever good neighbors talk about. “Why don’t you do that, too?” you might ask. As the expert poor neighbor, let me give you a few pointers on excellent poor neighborliness…

#1: Don’t make time for people. Good neighbors make sure that they have time to stop and chat, time to walk down the street for a visit, or time to help each other out if there’s a project or a need. In order to be a poor neighbor, it’s essential that your time is your own and you make sure there’s not a bit of it left for anything other than things inside your house or far away from your house (making sure that those things don’t include plans with the neighbors, of course).

#2: Don’t look too closely at the people you pass by on the streets of your neighborhood. If you do, you might notice that someone has had a baby and be inspired to take them a gift or even just say congratulations. Or you might see that someone’s tree has blown down and offer some help securing it upright. Or you might simply feel compelled to smile and wave at someone you happen to see out in their yard. The way to avoid this is not to look.

#3: Make plenty of excuses as to why you can’t be a good neighbor. There’s always a good reason why you can’t walk next door and make conversation with people. They might not like you! They might think you’re strange and you wouldn’t want to confirm their opinions! They might start expecting you to be their friend and then they’d come over whenever they feel like it. They might want your kids to play with their kids (what if their kids are a bad influence!). They might want to ask you about your life and you’d be inclined to open up and be real (avoid this at all costs). Besides that, as a poor neighbor, you simply must believe that you already have enough friends. This thinking will help you overcome the desire to be included when you see other neighbors getting together.

Being a poor neighbor is really not that hard, but it does take some practice. Interestingly enough, it’s really not that hard to be a good neighbor, either. Still, being a poor neighbor is quite rewarding! Well… I can’t think of any rewards right now, but give me a few minutes here to sit by myself in my house to think and I’m sure I’ll come up with some…

~The Expert Next Door